not a hot mess

I’m a mess , but not even a hot mess.

I’ve been through an emotional roller coaster this weekend.

From being in panic , to relaxation , to denial , to comfort , to agony , to disorientation , to timelessness , to calmness , to numbness , to productivity , to procrastination , to euphoria and then finally to anxiety.

From getting my first love confession , to sleeping 15 hours , to not sleeping at all , to complete and utter mind chaos . To the realization that i’m no okay today , but that I maybe will be tomorrow.

And that is something worth waiting for. Good night x

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Sunday 21th 2017

At first, we were a blank canvas. But then things started to get messier and after a while now, what you want most is for me to be in love with you. But that’s not that easy for me I guess. And maybe it should be easy.

All my life I have had to work towards being accepted, I had to want something in order to be completely satisfied afterwards, I had to fight with all my force to receive love. It coming easily to me, maybe I’m simply not used to that and I can’t help being suspicious and careful .

You want me to be in love with you so badly and I guess I make it hard for you, talking about being in love with everything all the time. With music, I feel with every fibre of my body, with thoughts and feelings that captivate my brain,  with the simplicity and beauty of the world.

Yet I don’t know how to handle all this attention you direct at me, I rely on people that sometimes act like they ignore me, but in reality, we are both fluent in silence and our hearts are calm and out of expectations. Those are the people I truly crave, those are the connections I suffer without.

 

Monkey Mind

Your favourite dramatic 2016 review post.

Hey loves, I hope you’re all doing well.

Instead of bashing about how terrible this year has been politically and further on, I would like to talk about my year and what I have learned.

This monkey mind of mine is currently jumping around like crazy with all those reviews, throwbacks and resolutions blowing up on new years eve, but I’ve decided to simply talk and think about it because that’s what helps me most when dealing with overthinking.

Now: Get ready for some lists.

What are some great things that I did this year?

  1. I learned a lot about myself this year. I started to be more conscious about myself and the things I do like. I have become more eloquent if I might say so, mostly because we get pushed to adapt and improve in school so that I’ve remarked especially in the last few months. I also started to learn how to defocus of myself, from my negative mind.
  2. I started doing things that made me happy and cut toxic people out of my life, or at least lowered their value on the perception of my self-confidence.
  3. Like every year I went on vacation to France with my family and had a magnificent time as always.
  4. I went to Paris on a class trip and got the chance to explore a global city with my best friends for five days.
  5. I expanded my knowledge about veganism and sustainable living. I also started eating more vegan junk food as it has become more and more available here in Germany.
  6. I finished my second last school year with awarding on my report card. ( I didn’t get straight A’s of course but it was good enough for a small awarding)
  7. I bought a lot of plants because they make me really happy and even though one or two died most of them are doing well so far.
  8. I bought myself a good camera to take nice pictures because first of all it’s fun and it captures so many memories that I could forget about.
  9. I watched 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls in 3 months during exam time #noregrets

 

What are some things that I have learned this year?

( And when I say learned I also mean experienced because we learn stuff all the time, but we don’t experience everything )

  1. The law of attraction. Your thoughts, they control everything. So you might as well think positively and kindly, there are no negative benefits to that.
  2. The comfort zone is a beautiful thing, it really is. But you only see what you are really capable of when you leave it. And you will grow when you let yourself be uncomfortable.
  3.  Friends are the family you choose, so choose well. This year more than probably any year I’ve experienced what true friendship is like. It’s not one thing, not one emotion, it’s different with everybody. It’s being able to have extraordinary conversations, to be understood perfectly, to work things out despite the differences, it’s balance and consistency, and most of all it’s communication , honesty and loyalty. and
  4. Don’t take yourself too serious, don’t take anybody and anything too serious. Some things just happen for whatever reason, some days you’ll be feeling like a trash can wanting to cry all day, some people are just completely ignorant, but it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s better to take a chill pill and save your energy.
  5. Regression to the mean: things will get better, and they will get worse, that’s just how it goes. You can strive for balance for all you want but life always finds its way to throw inconvenient things at you or make everything make sense all of the sudden. How I see it, it certainly can be comforting to believe that at the end good and bad will be even.
  6. Teachers aren’t as bad as you thought they were. They’re just people. Also: You simply didn’t like them earlier because you can’t have a proper discussion with a 15-year-old. But as you get older they start to take you more seriously when they realise it’s possible to talk properly to you.
  7. Working out makes you healthier and happier so do it. I know you don’t want to do it but deep inside you know it’s the best for you. Also: school sports sucks. without exceptions.
  8. Food and sleep are too good to be deprived of. Take that, 14 years old me.
  9. I learned lots of psychological hacks and tricks about reading people’s body language. And it’s really really cool.

 

In term of new years resolutions, I can only speak of the things I am sure to be happening. I’m going to finish school and until then I’ll just try to enjoy my time even though it’s going to be very stressful.

As the future is currently knocking on my door more or less, keep my eyes open for a career I might be interested in or simply find something I likes doing.

And finally: I just want to be happy. Do more things that make me and others happy. Because at the end of the day , january first is just a day as any other and years have never been a true measuring tool , it’s been people, songs and music.

all my love , J.

 

 

Lesson of today

Hey . I just got off the phone with you.

I realised some things. and I love learning them about you and I.

I’m scared of silence . That tells me that I’m not that comfortable with you yet. I keep babbling instead of hearing silence for a few moments. I feel like I have to keep the conversation going .

I also analyse a lot. I see how you’re a little different from where I usually see you. you’re somehow different , more calm , more serious and I wish I knew why. maybe its because we don’t know each other that long and that well.

I feel like I open myself more than you do . Maybe because I can’t stand the silence and fill it, but also because I want you to know who I am . I want to know who you are , I really do , but I feel like you don’t feel emotions like I do , or maybe you don’t express them like I do .

I’m insecure about where this leads. I don’t know how I feel about you . I worry about not being able to give you what you desire and disappointing you.

I like the way you make me feel . And I don’t . I like the way you are interested in me , but you’re different when you’re not behind a phone screen or with your friends I think. I don’t like how my deep feelings crash against you , they don’t sink in , or I don’t feel them sink in .

I like you , and I like talking to you  . I like looking at you , but I’m insecure on how we fit together mentally.

I don’t know if you can handle this emotional mess of ups and  downs and if you’re able to give me what I need .

All my love  J.

 

An ode to solitude and self-pity

Sometimes , when I need it , I take pity on myself.

Just a little bit .  And there’s nothing wrong with that.

And I can only encourage you to do the same.

Not to the point of drowning yourself in it , but valuing your feelings.

 

For me , it’s accepting that I feel a lot . I get emotionally involved in the tiniest of affairs . And the worst thing is , that I am more than conscious about it.

I have started to surround myself with people that don’t disturb me , and I have become very selectively social. So the people I spend time with are the one’s I deeply cherish and have a clear interest to talk to.

But not all conversations and situations are in our control , so when bad things occur , a rude conversation , an uncomfortable situation , my mind starts running wild . Thinking : was this my fault ? Should I have reacted differently ?

My body is overwhelmed by my emotions and from time to time I wish I didn’t feel that much  because often I feel as if it is too much .

Do you ever feel so confused , angry , disappointed , jumping to conclusions , mind racing , with your heart beat rising , feeling so much at once it becomes hard to breathe , to think ?

I try to avoid these situations  if I can. Sometimes they are, though , necessary for my personal growth and it’s possible that I stand there with my hands shaking  stomach hurting , stuttering loudly but doing what I have to do because I know I can , and that it will be over .

Sometimes I hate myself for it . I wish I had it easier. I wish I wouldn’t have to do breathing exercises so that I can go to bed , do positive mantras and visualisation , in general ,taking so much care of my mental state hoping it will make me more confident .

But then I know I’m not the only one getting anxiety , being scared or shy .

My best tip to conquer is to focus .

The best way out is always through.

Oh October , where did you go ?

Do you know the feeling , when you kind of don’t remember what you did last weekend ?

No , I don’t mean under the influence of drugs.

I mean sometimes you pass your time doing nothing specific , and in the end, it feels like you accomplished absolutely nothing , even though you took what feels like a thousand little steps forward.

Well , that’s how I feel about October. I feel like October was like having  a TV show running in the back.

And now , bam ! November is here , not just around the corner , here ! And so many things are happening . I’m already stressed , feeling sick from time to time when I think about school and my future.

Halloween was very lovely and I am glad I could spend it with people who I enjoy spending my time a lot. This week I spent part time at my desk studying and part-time in bed which wasn’t the best way considering my food intake , but oh well , I’m good.

Autumn is turning into a dark and misty mess , and so do I.

 

Happy September , work hard & be kind.

 

 

Movies or books ?

Man , I really do love movies .

I don’t really understand how people always compare books and movies , how they make you choose between them , because for me each one of them is special .

Books . Oh books . Books are like magic to me. Books always seem calm to me . And quiet , no matter how loud the message may be . Books are like silent whispers , hidden passageways and warm fingertips . They focus on your attention without limiting your imagination . They make everything else fade out . And they make me feel better.

Reading is like cutting my hair to me . It takes some time until you finally do it , and when you did it you ask yourself why you didn’t do it earlier .

And movies . I guess movies were my first love.  I grew up watching Lord of the rings a million times , harry potter and fairy tales on TV every Sunday at 12:00.

I watch movies for different reasons.  One is for entertainment , for passing time and distracting myself . Two is for education and information . And three , well you never see type three coming.  Because type three takes my breath away , quickens my pulse and leaves me speechless, with deep thoughts inside my head.

So please , don’t make me choose .