for about a month it was everything I hoped love would be
but now theres miles and miles between us and it feels like nothing I do is good enough
before you left you told everyone to look after me
but the person who seems to be looking after me the least is ..you
and it makes me angry because I feel like I’m in this all alone
I am scared every single time I tell you I’m not happy with something
I am scared because I’m not there and you’re not here
Today I walked home with six hours of sun in my skin,
but it wasn’t enough to stop the darkness from coming in.
Today I walked home and the streets were still warm,
I didn’t want to go home, because I would be alone
and I must have left trails of my thoughts behind me.
Today I walked home and my room was all quiet,
left a voice note as promised when things get bad again,
felt my crazy grow until it exceeded yours,
shook it back into my chest where it’s been most.
Today I walked home confidently without my phone,
noticed how my feet knew the steps and where to go,
made a wish that my heart would be the same,
got scared because maybe the universe is listening.
Dear universe ,
please don’t take this away from me before its even started.
I’m too young to know what’s wrong and what’s right.
I know too little about love to face this.
My heart is too fragile to break again.
They say „I’ll make it up to you“ as if their hands can fix my heart.
I will strive , as if my life depends on it , to be more than the stories of men who touched me , grabbed me and tore on me without consent.
My story will be the one of bloody knuckles and piercing eyes , fights for the ones not strong enough for battle.
sometimes I wish for arms that close around me. A body for my body , hands that hold me , eyes that see me . Sometimes the silence isn’t a blessing but a melancholic tragedy.
Don’t get me wrong , I am not cold. I am not lonely . I am just looking to love the ordinary , to feel more than just myself. I think I am slowly ready to be more than just myself.
As I am , two footsteps and one toothbrush , as I might always be , is really everything I know.
I hope you are good to the earth, that you sprinkle kindness around wherever you go and don’t let the wrong side of the world get a grip on you with it’s cold fingers .I hope you’re always warm. I hope you are sweet as sugar and twice as clever.
I hope you are taking good care of what matters to you. I hope you make sure your eyes are glowing and your skin is soft. I hope you see soak up all the sunlight and that you’re not always stuck behind an electric screen, that you read more , because your ability to loose yourself in stories and books make you feel more present than movies.
I hope you have stopped sweet talking the insecurities , the fears and the doubts and sent them straight to hell. I hope you feed courage and curiosity well.
I hope your hands are kind to whoever or whatever touches them. I hope you are always wild and can’t be tamed , but also a blessing to your loved ones .
Lastly , I hope you are yourself. It doesn’t matter how long it takes to find her. Plot twist : don’t try to be anyone else and you are halfway there.