done , but not totally done

tonight  , I somehow miss you more than usually , don’t know how I can miss something that was never quite real , just a great person and the potential I saw in them. I miss you everyday , I miss the things we could have done but never did , replace the broken empty expectations with fantasies of you and me heal. My therapist says daydreaming is okay , it won’t damage me because when the cinema in my head stars and the plot continues , a regular day , me coming home and you being there or us , meeting again after years or meeting for the first time , as long as you are in it and care about me my heartbeat slows down and my shoulders drop , I am numb , aware of the way I betray my body , feeding it fake happy memories , exploiting the way our brains can’t say if things are real or just imagination. in my head you’re here and you care and you didn’t let go , didn’t take off , didn’t shut off , in my head you’re here and I’m with you and you care and we’re happy because I am enough and I’m what you need and want and have.

we were a clean cut , no drunk “ I miss yous“ or pointless „how are yous“ and in a night like this I am almost tempted to let my fingers open your contact and be on your brain for 10 seconds again. It fucks with me that I’ll never know how much or little I meant and mattered to you. Need to stop posting here and there just to know I was on your mind for a moment or two, need to move on , to someone new , and probably do it all over again , until I’m done .

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30.03

I’m stubborn with a passion.

While I convince myself that I am ready to move on , a voice inside my head whispers , but what if he changes his mind ?

And I wish I could wait for you , but I am not someone to beg. I will not beg for you to keep me , to choose me , no matter how bad I wish it would happen.

Because I don’t know if I can wait for you. But I can’t wait for you to realize that you still might want me.

I will be sitting right here on my bed , packed up with a plane ticket . I will say goodbye without seing you again. I will step on that plane and leave a part of me here , right where you are.

27.02

I’m struggling , but please , when am I not.

Poetry and music are getting me through. My head is a mess , my hair is a mess ,my room is a mess. I’m neglecting laundry, neglecting birthday cards, but trying so hard not to hate myself for what I’m doing.

I’m sure I’m moving forward somehow , but I haven’t figured out in which way yet. Progress isn’t an easy thing , especially when you’re not sure about most things. I don’t trust my mind. Am I really sad ? Or am I just lazy ? Am I just drowning myself in self pity ? Maybe.

I write almost every single day now. it seems to bring me comfort. I try not to stress about achieving great things with my words , I try not to put myself under pressure to inspire with the combination of sounds and letters because it should serve me , not others.

I saw him again 2 days ago. I counted the hours I spent with him. 20. I challenged myself to face a lot of fears by seeing him. Taking the train. Finding his building . Ringing the doorbell on the huge building. Taking the elevator. Knocking on his door. It was all intimidating but for some reason I was cool as a cucumber as they say. 

I already journaled about it yesterday , let my tired fingers let a pen flow messily over the papers but it doesn’t seem enough right now. The sounds of typing on the keyboard is calming. I’m working on letting go , terrified that in the process of finding myself I might loose myself , does that make sense ? 

For some reason I have the urge to document every single thing that happened in those 20 hours , out of fear I could forget it , but how could I really when I see it before my eyes before I go to sleep , when I wake up …

I tried to be radically honest with you , because it breaks the cage which is my mind. I wish I didn’t like you that much . You’re kind of an asshole. Maybe what I was just afraid to tell you how much I liked you and tried to defend myself.

Do you want to hear something stupid ? I already started the playlist to get over you. You laughed a little and said we’ll deal with that in may. And I’m trying to .

Letting go is good , but it hurts sometimes. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I want you that much and that you don’t want me back , let’s face it , it is that way. It’s good perhaps as it will make saying goodbye a little easier. 

You’re so adorable when you’re really sleepy. There is a bond between us , no doubt , but the way it is right now will never be enough and that is why I need to slowly get over the idea that you’re going to want me eventually . 

Some days I’m okay with that , others I’m not. Filling notebooks with words is process too. I will move the hell on . 

a better day always comes

(TW: suicide , self harm , depression)

I hope I catch the next train. Please pick me up at the train station , finding your flat in this big building makes me so nervous. The door , the floor, the elevator in which I have to stare at my own reflection.

Let’s just open the door , I’ll drop my bag where I put it the last times I’ve been here and get changed in something comfortable in the bathroom , because it will probably still be light outside and we’re only really okay with each other when it’s dark.

When I’m done , wearing black and walking barfoot over the creme colored carpet let me just crawl under your cold bedsheets and wait , hide from my reality , just for a few hours , not a whole day because you don’t take that much time for me.

Maybe I will be sitting up , watching you come over to your side of the bed, funny how some small things are routine after just so little time.

Or maybe we’ll sit on the sofa in the living room. Me , shy , small , hugging my legs and wantin to disappear , not from here and you but from all that’s mad and upsetting me .

For a while , i’ve blamed you for making me this miserable , and it’s easy to make heartbreak responsible for your own suffering. It’s really easy to decide that you being better in my head because I don’t see you enough in real life is the trigger for this depression .

But I’ve come to the realization that it’s not . Of course i wish that we were this „meant to be“ couple , with an instant connection , of course I’m hurt because I hoped that I’d be irresistible enough for you to fall for me anyways but that’s life , that’s wishful thinking.

You are not bad , even though it would be easier if you were. It’s easy to hate when you’re not getting what you want it’s a thought away from the right path , the path of knowing that nothing belongs to me and being stubborn is a personality trait.

Maybe I’ve just gotten so addicted to instant happiness that I’ve conditioned myself to think something like you could permanently fix me and when it turned out that life would fix me in a different way , by breaking me more first it took a while to understant that.

I’ve never been this bad , I tell my friends. And I wonder if that’s even true, but I don’t remember a time when i was feeling this insignificant and low. It’s a different kind of low , it’s numb sometimes , grey and dusty like I’ve been stuck here forever and I just want this too stop , it’s lightning bolt silver , desperate , why doesn’t my head shut up , why doesn’t my mind slow down.

You made me realize how thin my skin can still be , I thought i was so strong , maybe I am but I feel like this armour has been defensive , against attacks that never happen , threats that aren’t really threats , imaginative , anxiety related.

I imagine it like you being the final cut that teared through the last piece of skin and the blood started running. Figuratively , I don’t hurt myself anymore.

So when the pain started and traced it back to myself it was like someone hit the breaks. the momentum stopped. i realized for years now i ave been lying to myself , in order to keep going , I know I am functioning , everything that I am today proves that I am capable.

But what matters is , it’s enough , I don’t want to keep living like this. i always imagined being suicidal so diferent. this feels tired. I’m tired of fighting . I’m tired of telling myself that it’s going to be okay.

When i imagine myself having to live this life being so scared every single day , of things I know deep inside I can handle then I want out.

I know I need help. I will get help , this is the message of this , I will get help .

I still love life so much , and I can’t imagine giving up on all the beauty it has to offer but the further I walk , the more I realize I’m in  a cage , and I want out.

 

what color is blue

so my heart looked itself at in the mirror and wondered

how can something so blue , be natural at all

there’s a reason there were no  blue gummy bears in the candy packages when you were little , and blueberries seemed rather purple to me

but then the sky and the ocean are blue

there are the glittery turquoise feathers of the hummingbird

wild cornflowers that carry the smell of home

saphires in my  siblings eyes

and it eases my breath

maybe blue isn’t that strange after all.

 

16.02.

some nights like these I just want more of us

more of what I remember made me feel whole and light and careless and free

it’s not hard to crave more

when what you made me feel instantly , even if only temporarliy cured all that hurt me

now you’re hurting me

I’m hurting because I don’t matter enough

and it’s making me feel like I am not good enough

I insist on falling asleep without imagining us together every few days

to stay in control , because I’m still whole and complete

I guess I’m too stubborn to let this go

to let you go even though all my friends say I should

you never really acted like you wanted me anyway

but my heart is too persistent

my brain still craves the sweet oxytocin rush from when you hold me

when I can wrap my arms around your back

when you move my hair away to kiss my neck slowly

when your hands travel up and down my legs

under my shirt , over my stomach , pulling me closer

6 weeks is enough to forget what your laugh sounds like

and what your bedsheets smell like

what your face looks like when you’re watching me talk silly

I have a playlist with all the songs that make me think of you

It’s not happy

It’s full of bittersweet melancholia .

 

Self improvement plans

Guys , I’m back with the plans.

And I’m actually really excited . For the last 7-8 months my life has been challenging in many aspects . Living away from home especially and not having a clear path for the near future has kind of chanelled all my energy away from actually improving myself and has directed it towards „surviving“ and fighting to keep my standards up.

Now that I feel like I actually have a grip on my life once again , I feel like I can start working on being the version of myself I can be and taking care of myself , basically bringing myself to the next level.

Time frame : 4 months , as my au pair stay ends in may

  1. write more. As it turns out , writing has quite a few benefits for me . It helps me process events , it’s an amazing way to be mindful and practice gratitude, it’s also fun and makes it easier to lock down memories you write about. I’m not going to be in this position every again , with the people I’ve met in England and the life I’ve built here. Of course the memories will stay with me , but I know how treacherous our brains can be , so I’d like to write as much as possible about what I’m experiencing and learning during this time.
  2. Find a simple workout routine that works with my current busy routine. I know I won’t start doing hiit workouts 5 times per week , but I know how good physical activity makes me feel . Suggestions : a bit of yoga before bed , go for a run or walk , do some bodyweight exercises or a youtube workout .
  3. Take more pictures / work on my second au pair video. During the first 4 months in the uk I filmed a bunch of stuff and made a video out of it , which was a lot of fun and will definitely help me remember lots of stuff even if it was just me dancing in the kitchen or a few shots of London. I want to keep documenting what I’m experiencing so that I can relive it sometime , also my friends and family really enjoy seeing what I’m up to. So yeah , video number 2 and lots of pictures !
  4. If possible , go on a trip every weekend / go see a friend. Because if I don’t do it now , when will I get the chance again ?
  5. Call my grandparents more often. I promised to call every Sunday , so that they have something to look forwards to every week , but I forgot it last week. C’mon Nina.
  6. Keep my brain active. Learn a few more words in Latin or spanish. Keep on top of what’s happening in the world politically and economically. Watch more documentaries. READ MORE!!!

I guess that’s enough for now and to be honest , I really look forwards to start with these !