(TW: suicide , self harm , depression)
I hope I catch the next train. Please pick me up at the train station , finding your flat in this big building makes me so nervous. The door , the floor, the elevator in which I have to stare at my own reflection.
Let’s just open the door , I’ll drop my bag where I put it the last times I’ve been here and get changed in something comfortable in the bathroom , because it will probably still be light outside and we’re only really okay with each other when it’s dark.
When I’m done , wearing black and walking barfoot over the creme colored carpet let me just crawl under your cold bedsheets and wait , hide from my reality , just for a few hours , not a whole day because you don’t take that much time for me.
Maybe I will be sitting up , watching you come over to your side of the bed, funny how some small things are routine after just so little time.
Or maybe we’ll sit on the sofa in the living room. Me , shy , small , hugging my legs and wantin to disappear , not from here and you but from all that’s mad and upsetting me .
For a while , i’ve blamed you for making me this miserable , and it’s easy to make heartbreak responsible for your own suffering. It’s really easy to decide that you being better in my head because I don’t see you enough in real life is the trigger for this depression .
But I’ve come to the realization that it’s not . Of course i wish that we were this „meant to be“ couple , with an instant connection , of course I’m hurt because I hoped that I’d be irresistible enough for you to fall for me anyways but that’s life , that’s wishful thinking.
You are not bad , even though it would be easier if you were. It’s easy to hate when you’re not getting what you want it’s a thought away from the right path , the path of knowing that nothing belongs to me and being stubborn is a personality trait.
Maybe I’ve just gotten so addicted to instant happiness that I’ve conditioned myself to think something like you could permanently fix me and when it turned out that life would fix me in a different way , by breaking me more first it took a while to understant that.
I’ve never been this bad , I tell my friends. And I wonder if that’s even true, but I don’t remember a time when i was feeling this insignificant and low. It’s a different kind of low , it’s numb sometimes , grey and dusty like I’ve been stuck here forever and I just want this too stop , it’s lightning bolt silver , desperate , why doesn’t my head shut up , why doesn’t my mind slow down.
You made me realize how thin my skin can still be , I thought i was so strong , maybe I am but I feel like this armour has been defensive , against attacks that never happen , threats that aren’t really threats , imaginative , anxiety related.
I imagine it like you being the final cut that teared through the last piece of skin and the blood started running. Figuratively , I don’t hurt myself anymore.
So when the pain started and traced it back to myself it was like someone hit the breaks. the momentum stopped. i realized for years now i ave been lying to myself , in order to keep going , I know I am functioning , everything that I am today proves that I am capable.
But what matters is , it’s enough , I don’t want to keep living like this. i always imagined being suicidal so diferent. this feels tired. I’m tired of fighting . I’m tired of telling myself that it’s going to be okay.
When i imagine myself having to live this life being so scared every single day , of things I know deep inside I can handle then I want out.
I know I need help. I will get help , this is the message of this , I will get help .
I still love life so much , and I can’t imagine giving up on all the beauty it has to offer but the further I walk , the more I realize I’m in a cage , and I want out.