„I feel depressed „. A sentence that is easily written , but gets harder and harder to say as time goes on. Do I actually just feel depressed ? Or am I depressed ?
The doctor I have spoken too mentions how well I am informed about my habits , my moods and how well I can explain my struggles in long but well thought about sentences. She diagnoses me a with endogenous depression . I should raise my fist in the air now and scream YES!! For years I’ve wanted nothing more than a simple explanation on why I struggle so much.
2 months on medium dose antidepressants my life hasn’t changed much , but it’s still been different. My moods are more controlled. I feel like when I am happy or sad or excited I am actually aware of it . My emotional eating has declined massively without an effort. I still get physical anxiety reactions , chew lips , get sad & really melancholic for no reason, but it seems to be within a healthy realm.
I enjoy not struggling so hard for a significant amount of my time . I still text people when I get sad or anxious, especially when I get sad and feel like I am lacking something only people can give me. Something to stuff the numb space in my chest . Maybe making me mad that their words aren’t medicine makes me mad , and that distracts me for a little while.
When I went to register for a blood donation I became aware of what changed. It’s official now. I am sick . And I can’t donate blood. It still hits me in waves that this isn’t something that I have imagined in my head but something that people actually take serious. This is serious .