done , but not totally done

tonight  , I somehow miss you more than usually , don’t know how I can miss something that was never quite real , just a great person and the potential I saw in them. I miss you everyday , I miss the things we could have done but never did , replace the broken empty expectations with fantasies of you and me heal. My therapist says daydreaming is okay , it won’t damage me because when the cinema in my head stars and the plot continues , a regular day , me coming home and you being there or us , meeting again after years or meeting for the first time , as long as you are in it and care about me my heartbeat slows down and my shoulders drop , I am numb , aware of the way I betray my body , feeding it fake happy memories , exploiting the way our brains can’t say if things are real or just imagination. in my head you’re here and you care and you didn’t let go , didn’t take off , didn’t shut off , in my head you’re here and I’m with you and you care and we’re happy because I am enough and I’m what you need and want and have.

we were a clean cut , no drunk “ I miss yous“ or pointless „how are yous“ and in a night like this I am almost tempted to let my fingers open your contact and be on your brain for 10 seconds again. It fucks with me that I’ll never know how much or little I meant and mattered to you. Need to stop posting here and there just to know I was on your mind for a moment or two, need to move on , to someone new , and probably do it all over again , until I’m done .

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