Middle child syndrome and self diagnosed mental disorder

If you ask me , Id say I have  dealt with multiple mental health problems during the course of my life . Self harm , anorexia , anxiety and depression. The four classics perhaps. But have I really?

I’ve become pretty good at self diagnosing , thanks to the internet that fulfills its role to satisfy my ever-growing need for an explanation on why I act the way I act. It’s like there’s this strong urge to find a way to fix myself , because in my opinion I’m not normal , I’m different , but how do I know if everybody feels that way ?

I’ve read through the symptoms of anxiety and depression a million times. I guess its pretty easy to nail down knowing when you have an eating disorder and act on self destructive because you have direct „physical evidence“ if that makes sense .

But for anxiety and depression it’s different.

I don’t want to talk about these illnesses like I’m choosing from a menu at a restaurant. But the topic has been on my mind for so many years that I can’t help but treat it like the ordinary.

I don’t know what to think about self diagnosing even thought I think about it all the time.

I got jealous when my best friend was diagnosed with depression.

I feel like I have been dealing with this on my own for so long , even though I go to therapy , even though I have great friends that support me. There’s something missing and I can’t figure out what it is.

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Going HOME

I’m going home for just over a week in 1 month and 14 days . But who’s counting.

Yes.  Life is being quite challenging at the moment and there is a lot I’m struggling with , but I’m allowing myself to be happy anyways because things always get better , it’s just a matter of time.

Here’s what I look forward to  when I’m home :

1) Seeing my family again. My parents , my siblings , my cats , my friends .

2) Feeling completely included again. I can’t wait to be with my people.

3) Familiar food.

4) My mom’s Christmas cookies .

5) Meeting an online friend .

6) Cuddling friends and cats to death .

7) Deep conversations with my sister and my friends about the last few months .

8) Christmas , gifts and celebration .

9) Spending new years eve with my best friend .

10) The feeling of complete and unconditional love and comfort. It’s cheesy.  But its true.

There we go . There’s still a lot of time until then and lots of stuff to do and figure out . But for now I think we’re okay .

A degree in people skills

Let’s face it , it’s really true what they say that you never really know how good something is until it’s gone . Whether it’s a brownie or a good cuddle or a really good teacher maybe.

Refraining myself from my homecountry and my social community has taught me a lot. I’ve been in England as au pair for well over two months now and for some part , things have calmed down.

I started a language course at college , but stopped because the content they were teaching was nowhere close to the level of English I am at and it was therefore very frustrating to attend , because it felt like a waste of time.

I found  a friend. A friend with the potential of being a best friend . She’s one of those people that seem perfect on first sight. It takes a while to find flaws. But apparentl, she’s more flawed than I expected . She’s also going away and I won’t see her anymore , which sucks if I’m honest but it’s the right thing to do.

England is making me stronger. I feel stronger and more badass than ever. It’s very unbalanced though because I’m either feeling like this is the best or worst thing that has ever happened to me.

There’s jealousy and doubt and insecurity about the whole gap year. I mean my two best friends are in bloody Japan and Sweden. Learning new languages and experiencing new cultures completely. I know though , that it’s still worth doing it.

Of course I feel down from time to time , sometimes quite a lot actually , but that might just be the seasonal affective disorder making my life hard as shit. But I’m learning. I’m learning about myself and the world. I’m discovering it at my own pace and that’s okay.

Now let’s do some lists because I love lists.

What I’ve achieved in the time being :

  1. Survived 2 weeks of homesickness.
  2. Booked a college course all by myself.
  3. Found someone I can trust 100% .
  4. Went to Reading , London and Oxford
  5. Settled on a favorite pub and a favorite drink.
  6. Stayed in touch with the 3 people I definitey wanted to stay in touch with.
  7. Got a random piercing ( Helix).
  8. Went to Nottingham all by myself to meet my old exchange partner .
  9. Booked a flight home for christmas.

See , we’re not doing that bad , are we ?

I’m still contemplating wether or not I should make a bucket list for my au pair time . There’s too much change right now and I feel like I should be focusing on that for now.

Oh well.