Not like I’m not already a mess, but now I’m a hot mess

Last night was one of those nights. And I can’t seem to get over it , so I’m writing about it.

Here’s what happened : I went to a metal/rock club with my best friend and her boyfriend. I had already been there before but was still kind of scared , because that’s what being outside of my house usually does to me.  Walking in a big dark room with flashing lights , booming boxes and strangers is usually a challenge enough for me , but I also left my glasses in the car , which left me even more anxious.

After a couple of hours , I was dancing hard to a really good song , when suddenly a guy that had been dancing next to me came close and asked me if I smoke , and after my simple reply of no , he asked if I want to come with him anyways. From what I saw he was kinda hot , so I decided to do what I usually would have never done and went with him , after telling my friend who was equally suprised.

We talked a bit , he smoked and I still felt like I was standing besides myself , looking at the whole situation.

What happened afterwards wasn’t traumatic or bad or even negative , but I somehow wished it would have evolved differently. I have been single for all of my life , but in the last few days I’ve been craving what so many around me have, happiness , and they all seem to get it through their partners and even though I know I am usually happily single . Seeing myself so „lonely“ , when my best friend was literally having the perfect relationship ( again, it might not exists but they are just …) was sobering , reminding me how sometimes I crave a relationship that is so sincere.

Some how I wish things would have turned out differently , because I can’t focus on anything else and I feel like a stupid hormonal teenager, but that’s what I still am partly I guess. So I’m reliving it , like a song  we all need a little saving when meditation doesn’t cut it.

aaaaaaaaaaand action.

White smokes travels towards me . I blow it away and look up to try and see the stars , but my vision doesn’t allow it without my glasses. My body feels antarctic , frozen but cool in this particular situation and I almsot can’t feel myself here , this body doesn’t feel like it’s going to listen to me and not even that distinct voice telling me to overobsess is present anymore. What I feel is the strange feeling of not really belonging here yet my heart feels anchor-heavy and I hear myself thinking : What the hell are you doing here?

My charming little self is sitting there , next to a guy she met a few minutes ago. How did I get here she will whisper quietly in a bit of time. Her brain has already forgotten about his name , he just sits close and smokes asks questions about her age , her life. He’s nice , she can’t help admitting that. He’s friendly , not rude or inconsiderate and even when he tries to kiss me I don’t frown or run. I simply tell him no. After that everything is a blurr.

I don’t really regret what I did , really.

Maybe I kind of wish that we kissed. It would have been a pretty badass story to tell. Because I never go out , I never really do this hooking up , meeting , flirting , but attention was simply nice.

It was a good experience . But I still imagine what it would have been like if we kissed.


2 Gedanken zu “Not like I’m not already a mess, but now I’m a hot mess

  1. Daaaamn what an amazing story and experience! Your writing skills are awesome 🙂 I could find myself in you. Maybe you should visit such places a little more often 😀 But I can feel it in my bones how weird it is to leave your comfort zone hahaha Just be a little bit more careful, because such sensible, careful and unsecuregirls like you are often an easy bait for some specific guys. But you did a great job for going there. Reward yourself 😉

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    1. Heyy , thank you so much I’ve been trying to work on my writing haha. It was such a crazy experience and I still can’t get over it , because it was so unlike me but I’m so proud of myself for doing it anyways. It was like my body was on autopilot. I’ll always take care of myself , again , thank you so much for your kindness, I hope you’re doing well.

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