Panic attacks and where to find them pt2

You don’t exclusively find them in England , but mostly.

The last 48 hours have been and are probably the hardest time I’ve evern had , and the biggest challenge I have taken on.

I’m in England, as au pair to a small french family of the Mom and three boys,

It’s rough. I have never been this anxious , homesick , nauseous, scared and panicked  at the same time. I am okay at the moment , but it comes and goes.

The host mom is nice , kind , strict with the boys but I know she cares and tries her best to make me feel welcome . Cooks me vegan food even though she’s very busy. I haven’t talked much to her yet. But I want to as it might help cope with everything.

The boys can be the sweetest and they can be hell. They are loud , demand a lot of attention and don’t listen most of the time. They haven‘ been rude or terribly impolite , just annoying .

The cat is wonderful  , she’s my ally and makes everything better.She’s a little calm bundle of fluff. Her calmness helps so much.

I have been feeling the love of my friends and family more than ever before. I keep them updated on how I am. My mom was so worried.

My panic attacks are frequent and sometimes it feels like I’m going to die if I stay any longer.

I’ve talked to a lot of people that went abroad like me. They all felt very similar. It gives me hope , because it makes me scared to figure everything out. Food , kids , laundry , school , etc. I felt like quitting a lot. I felt like I would become very sick if I stay. But it’s only my third day and I’m not ready to give up.

I want to give this a real shot , get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I don’t regret this. I am growing. I am fighting. I am trying .


How will I ever be able to tell you how much your heart helps my heart heal.

How your attention numbs the pain inside my chest and fills the hole inside my stomach with loveliness , less loneliness.

I find back to reality through you .


There are nights I can only word vomit

Because my thoughts are too tangled up

And I have two cats in my bed so it could be dangerous to figure out the lines .

I could get stuck from trying too hard like I always do .

But if I do nothing I am left with the weird sensations of emptiness that crawls up slowly and from nails to lips the anxiousness of unmet expecations spreads.

“ it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply „

Not like I’m not already a mess, but now I’m a hot mess

Last night was one of those nights. And I can’t seem to get over it , so I’m writing about it.

Here’s what happened : I went to a metal/rock club with my best friend and her boyfriend. I had already been there before but was still kind of scared , because that’s what being outside of my house usually does to me.  Walking in a big dark room with flashing lights , booming boxes and strangers is usually a challenge enough for me , but I also left my glasses in the car , which left me even more anxious.

After a couple of hours , I was dancing hard to a really good song , when suddenly a guy that had been dancing next to me came close and asked me if I smoke , and after my simple reply of no , he asked if I want to come with him anyways. From what I saw he was kinda hot , so I decided to do what I usually would have never done and went with him , after telling my friend who was equally suprised.

We talked a bit , he smoked and I still felt like I was standing besides myself , looking at the whole situation.

What happened afterwards wasn’t traumatic or bad or even negative , but I somehow wished it would have evolved differently. I have been single for all of my life , but in the last few days I’ve been craving what so many around me have, happiness , and they all seem to get it through their partners and even though I know I am usually happily single . Seeing myself so „lonely“ , when my best friend was literally having the perfect relationship ( again, it might not exists but they are just …) was sobering , reminding me how sometimes I crave a relationship that is so sincere.

Some how I wish things would have turned out differently , because I can’t focus on anything else and I feel like a stupid hormonal teenager, but that’s what I still am partly I guess. So I’m reliving it , like a song  we all need a little saving when meditation doesn’t cut it.

aaaaaaaaaaand action.

White smokes travels towards me . I blow it away and look up to try and see the stars , but my vision doesn’t allow it without my glasses. My body feels antarctic , frozen but cool in this particular situation and I almsot can’t feel myself here , this body doesn’t feel like it’s going to listen to me and not even that distinct voice telling me to overobsess is present anymore. What I feel is the strange feeling of not really belonging here yet my heart feels anchor-heavy and I hear myself thinking : What the hell are you doing here?

My charming little self is sitting there , next to a guy she met a few minutes ago. How did I get here she will whisper quietly in a bit of time. Her brain has already forgotten about his name , he just sits close and smokes asks questions about her age , her life. He’s nice , she can’t help admitting that. He’s friendly , not rude or inconsiderate and even when he tries to kiss me I don’t frown or run. I simply tell him no. After that everything is a blurr.

I don’t really regret what I did , really.

Maybe I kind of wish that we kissed. It would have been a pretty badass story to tell. Because I never go out , I never really do this hooking up , meeting , flirting , but attention was simply nice.

It was a good experience . But I still imagine what it would have been like if we kissed.

Maybe that’s me .

I have never gone to bed at 5:36 in the morning , when the sky is not as dark at the trees anymore.

Never went to bed with my lashes coated in mascara and skin covered in a better me .

I never got asked to smoke with somebody , never made Smalltalk with a stranger , carelessly dodged his naive attempt to kiss me with a chuckle and a shoulder to shoulder nudge.

Never loved the sound of absolute silence in my head more .

Never danced like me in public before. .

Until today . I should stay up and out more often.

Midnight melancholy

What if I’m making all the wrong decisions. What if I never feel like myself again.

These days are filled with weak eyes , infused with heavy thoughts and drenched in clear blue skies .

I feel lonely . I crave love like I never have before .to be held and cared for.  It was always present but now suddenly it’s vanished.  I always sustained it for myself .

But in this breach of tightly knitted self love I don’t know how to stitch myself back together .

I spent too many hours texting , trying to find myself and the love I need in other people . Its wrong.


You’re missing here.

It sounds selfish but all I want is your presence. How am I supposed to live without it for so long ?

Time will fly , is what we said , when we parted our ways . When you left on a rainy Saturday morning , and I stood in the doorstep to watch you go.

Time will fly.  But here , right now you’re missing . Missing because I can’t help thinking that you belong here with me.

you also belong somewhere else.