adult and ready to cry

Like seriously everything these days: This is the end, but this is also the beginning !! But while you figure out how to move on and deal with your life we’ll just let you be, welcome to your life.

I have 8 days left. 8 days, 2 exams and two projects. I have to plan for my vacation next week and my future. Now, please. How am I supposed to do this?

Yesterday was my 18th birthday. It was not what I expected to be. It was lovely, we had decorated the garage beautifully, we had great food, wonderful loving friends were our guests. We ate cake, went on a walk, took pictures, and I got amazing gifts …

…but my absolute favourite thing was the back and stomach pain, as well as crippling nausea that started at about 7 o’clock, which had me crying with pain on the living room sofa by 9 because I couldn’t suppress the pain anymore.

And as dramatic as this sounds, I can’t remember the last time I was hurting so bad. So there I was, on my 18th birthday, stuffed with painkillers. Am I mad? Disappointed ?

To be honest with you, a little. I had been so excited for this day, it was all working out so well. This should ‚ve been the day filled with laughter, I should have been enjoying my time, I should have been happy and dancing.

I’m not really mad. I’m trying to get over this. Because I was reminded how great my mum is. How she took care of me and didn’t make me feel bad because I had to leave my guests. She read stories of my childhood to me to distract me while I was crying.

I was glad that my friends stayed, even though I wasn’t with them anymore.

Now here I am, recovering, trying to take it slow, wishing I would be studying right now, but also knowing that I need to take a break.

If there’s some strength you can send me, please do.

All my love, J.

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discrepancy

I’m over it. I am over feeling fed up because things aren’t the same anymore, how about we focus on everything that has changed dramatically to the positive?

This year, there is a discrepancy. Things aren’t the way I am used to them being.

I walk the school halls in a ballgown and pyjamas. I drink coffee almost every morning and I start to get immune to the kick of caffeine. I’m really tired at the end of the day so that I am too physically weak to stay awake and worry. Adulthood is slowly creeping in and in the last few months , I feel like I’ve matured more that in the entire last years combined.

This year , I ate chocolate whenever I wanted to. This year , I went to school most of the time , even if every fiber of my being clung to the bed and the comforts of home . This year , I became comfortable with everybody staring at me and staring back. I learned to be kind , even when you’re mad , and to remind yourself to not let toxic people take up your time.

This year was the first year in which I didn’t obsess over working out before the holidays. I haven’t properly worked out in months , maybe half a year. I wear no make up to school if I want to . I sleep in. I pick flowers for my room. I bought a book. I mind my deadlines.

I stay out at night , I eat dinner with my friends. I write and read poetry when I feel it. , without feeling guilty. I encourage falling in love with everything around me including myself everyday. I’ve stopped asking myself if somethings wrong with me . If I’m sad , I’m sad, and when i’m miserable that’s okay.

When I’m happy everything glows. Conscious happiness is the drug I crave in this world.

A few years ago , I had thinner legs, clearer skin and long straight hair. Today I have thicker thighs , round hips and a soft stomach. My hair is messy and wild and does what it does , very well. My skin is sometimes red and blotchy , it looks like a little battleground of picking and pinching and scratching. But even though I am further away what the world has defined as beautiful, I feel beauty in myself more and more everyday.

06.05.2017

There’s still a bit of rock and roll in my hair. The smell of a  smoke machine and beer everyone was drinkin , except for me.

Wild curls , messy hair , learning how to headbang properly , because i’ve never been to a place like this before , where all they play is rock and metal.

And it seems normal that everyone is wearing black and has tattoos and piercings.

Earlier , but still later than I’m usually out , we sit on the parking lot and talk , with groups of more scary looking people in black around us , listening to more metal.

I see that I don’t really fit in. I know a few songs they are playing , but I’m not really as cool and relaxed as them . But nobody notices , they are all so nice.

And the sunset , seeing above the industrial part of the city , it all feels strangely good.

Inside. I’m still 17 so we have to leave at 12. But that’s fine because the music is so loud I probably couldn’t stand it for more than one or two hours .

the girl me and my friend are here with asked me in a break between headbanging sessions  : “ do you know any of these songs ?“, and when I answer truthfully “ absolutely not“  , she smiles at me , touches my arm and says “ don’t worry , it will come naturally „.

the happiest day

Hello lovely people .

Yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life , even though I thought it would be one of the worst.

It started with me , taking a mathematics exam that lasted 4.5 hours , which I undoubtedly screwed up . Afterwards , it was my last important exam , I didn’t really know how to feel . But little did I know what was coming..

As planned I took the bus to my  town , to meet my best friends , already waiting for me. We got in the car and proceeded to have dinner in a lovely restaurant ( that even had a vegan option) . Spending 2 hours just eating , talking , making jokes and having fun , without parents , without pressure and time limits.

Afterwards we drove back to a friends house , played board games , talked ,  drank lemonade , a particular brand called Fritz Cola , which I always drink too fast , and which always makes me crack up because of the coffein.

I don’t know what exactly it was that made me so happy . Maybe it was being a little outside my comfort zone . Maybe it was being independent. Maybe it was the realization how amazing my best friends are and how grateful I am to have them-

Either way it was pure joy , and countless laughter I experienced that day and I’m forever grateful for that.

All my love, yours truly

 

things I feel and don’t understand

get ready for a shitstorm , or rather a moderately rainy day , because today has been one , but not a cozy and wonderful , cuddles in bed kind of rainy day , it’s been depressing and disordered.

Imagining , or rather coming to the realization that I have only three months my life completely planned is a twisted feeling. It’s scary , because adulthood and responsibility will suddenly jump from a dark corner and it’s been lurking for a long time . It’s wonderful because I have all these amazing imaginations of how dreamy and amazing my life could be.

Tonight I ate dinner alone , not because I was starving but because I didn’t feel like other people. I had leftover lasagna , a pear and a glass of orange juice. And I totally don’t get why drinking orange juice is such a morning phenomenon , and how an orange juice bottle at the dinner table is such a foreign moment.

The last months  , it feels like something has ended and something new begun. I can more or less objectively look back and see what’s going on. I’ve fallen in love , out of love , at least that‘ s what a part of me is telling myself , I have become someone who for the majority of their time finds comfort in a computer screen , I have started eating chocolate like my life depends on it.

I’ve started to appreciate and rediscover old friends , who never left , who were never further away than a weekends waiting . I’ve watched my friends become depressed , some under the pressure of school , so only partly , some for a while now , because they can’t seem to get rid of a toxic person out of their life, but I can’t suck the poison out myself , and they know that.

I’ve gone for more walks and slept for too many hours , but it feels like between all this panicky madness and partly regret , there is a way to move forward. And I will , because lets face it , I have no other choice or life will drag me.