we are not one

  1. I feel like I have destroyed something beautiful when you discovered that I’m not crazy in love with you like you were with me.
  2. It hurt a lot to see your distance from myself when you realised it because I have a high sensitivity and always read moods and get certain atmospheres by the way people are acting around me. You were different one day. You were still cheeky and nice but something seemed off and only when I told you about it, what was missing came to my mind.
  3. I miss how you cared about me and I feel stupid for not having appreciated it more when it was occurring. It was small things, like asking me to sit down when I felt a little lost it the crowd of the room or always wanting to see me. It felt annoying and clingy sometimes, but it also made me feel like I belonged somewhere.
  4. Now that it’s gone I doubt more than ever what love really meant to you. It’s slowly breaking me to see how you’re building a wall around you and what we had. It just doesn’t feel the same.
  5. I am asking myself all the time what loving meant to you. I miss it. That atmosphere between us, the connection.
  6. All the things that I didn’t really like about you, they seem to matter less and less when I see how good you were to me.
  7. I don’t regret anything I’ve done or said. I don’t regret needing too much time, having high expectations, walking slowly, thinking a lot, being honest. I regret nothing, from my terrible response to your love confession to not wanting to hold your hand to falling asleep with your hand in mine, feeling your breath on my skin and you pulling my hand a little closer everytime I gripped it a little harder.
  8. I’m losing my sense of time and I already have so many memories I don’t ever want to forget. It all happened so fast.
  9. I wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me, how scared I am of losing you. Here’s to being unconditionally me.
  10. ( Is is wrong to think , that I will always love myself more than you will love me ?)
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Numb.

I’ve started to become numb to you.

I’ve lost the part of myself that had a connection to you and I don’t know how to find it anymore.It feels stupid because I’m trying too hard.

Being loved

by you was nothing I ever really felt and I wish that I had asked you what it meant , when you said that you loved me.

I’ve not been jealous when we’re around friends and you put your arm around other girls, or when you told me that you were drunk and kissed someone else. I was just confused because I thought love was something else. But your fascination for me, I never saw it. Maybe you only want to good side of me, but then you’ve never really seen the bad. Because I don’t want to lose myself in someone else. Not in you. You

Because of you and me, it’s neither official nor unofficial. It was just a try and I don’t ever want to forget those moments. Holding your hand and feeling my heart glow up, waking up beside you, the smell of your bed. How nervous I was.

But you want too much too soon. I don’t feel enough. I feel like I’m a disappointment. And in all this trying to restabilize myself I’m losing you.

You’re not the person I really want. You aren’t calm as I wish someone to be, you aren’t emotionally intelligent and deep as I wish someone to be, you aren’t who I want you to be and I think it’s only fair, to be honest with myself about that. I can’t be the person I like when I’m around you.

You have the idea of me as a wonderful girlfriend. Someone to love you and be there for you , to kiss and cuddle and show around , to trust.

I never thought I had high expectations but maybe I do.

Breathing is easier when you’re not around.

 

21.02.2017 pt1

aAnd nothing would make me happier than to be able to explain myself. To tell you why I feel this way. They say when you can teach something, you’ve truly understood it. Save me from this mess, this nonexistent mess in which I loose myself.

how could I make you understand how it feels to crave something so bad, but not know what it is I strive for?

how could I make you see this dizzy firework of emotions in my heart and head that even I can’t truly grasp?

And the hardest part is not knowing if this will last. Is this even real?

That my being can sometimes only be captured in the songs I listen to and the way I can’t sit silently, and fight the inexplicable emptiness of abundance.

daughter of Athens

you hold all the warmth and the light that you need,

child of the sun and the moon and the stars.

daughter of Athens, oh have you forgotten,

that your name and your heart belong purely to you?

 

queen of the world that can not call you royal

your thoughts are a beautiful melody

even though no one sees them down here.

 

sister of my destiny we were not mean to fade

like oceans, waves and  thunderstorms

our souls are made of the same

decaf coffee & an almost full moon

All or nothing is what they say. But I’m not up to that.I like the moon at every stage. Full, almost empty, hidden by the clouds, or in the early morning sky. And because I get really irritated and jumpy by real coffee, I switch to decaf when I really feel like it.

I’m not up to all or nothing because I’m so i n between of everything. I don’t believe in loving something simply for the sake of being whole.