The return of Janina Paranoia

I have never been diagnosed , never been to a doctor to test my mental condition , I guess my parents always had bigger problems . Three children, one diagnosed with ADHS , one struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts , and then there is me .

Girl , 17 , student . Struggling with her body image , recovered from self-harm and anorexia , always overplanning , panic attacks linked with clothing , very self-critical , and so much more , but it seems like I have never been bad enough to be diagnosed .

After my own research, I could conclude this by saying :“ I have agoraphobia and body dysmorphia „, but I can’t , so I can only say how I feel . For a long time now , I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me , and I feel lost and confused not knowing if it’s true or not .

When I told my sister a few days how I felt for a while now she mentioned agoraphobia (Definition :“Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterised by anxiety symptoms in reaction to situations where the sufferer perceives the environment to be dangerous, uncomfortable, or unsafe.“)

And it just felt like it all made sense suddenly. It would explain why I get so anxious about taking the bus alone  when I never missed a bus in my life , neither did I have a bad experience with taking public transportation . It would explain why I feel sick to my stomach , really nauseous and in panic before going out for dinner with my family . Why I get overwhelmed by worry when not having planned every single detail of a trip .

Body dysmorphia ( Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance.) feels like another disorder I might be partly affected by , all of my life it hasn’t just been low self-esteem , it has been obsession and doubt , depressive episodes from time to time and only now I begin to see how much I am influenced and limited by my fears .

My fears make me stay home all day, every day  because I am scared of being uncomfortable and without control , it is very hard to explain it to people , because they tell me that tomorrow will be better and that they are here for me ( which I honestly appreciate so much ) but they can’t help me . I have difficulties making people see how I feel when I can’t even explain it properly myself .

As always , I will talk about this with my therapist soon hopefully , and have a clearer view and like usually , have a plan for the future..



Sunset junkie high on summer skies

There is something about summer night skies , that is so magical to me . those nights when the sun takes ages to go down and turns the entire sky into a sea of colour and light , leaving behing a rainbow pattern , blending from red to blue .

That kind of atmosphere feels so perfect to me . The atmosphere is calm but still full of life , the air is warm but not burning from sunlight , I don’t know why but it gives me such a rush of energy when being in such a situation. I feel dangerous , adventurous vibes.

The reason for writing this :

I haven’t been my old wonderful self lately. During exam time , the food was a comfort and I was stress eating a lot , too anxious and busy to think about proper nutrition. Working out stopped being a priority , started being a luxury. But when exam time came to an end almost two weeks ago , I somehow didn’t find the way back to my old habits , it’s amazing how fast we change.

But I honestly feel such a difference. I sleep a lot more, stay up later because I’m not tired at the end of the day ( aka Netflix in bed all day ) , I don‘
t have a lot of energy and all I want to do is lay in bed all day . My anxiety got a lot worse and I’m starting to doubt myself again and freak out and overthink the smallest things.

Habits I want to make :

Healthy , wholesome tasty meals to boost my health and make me feel a lot happier in general , less stressed and more confident. Drink a healthy amount of water , especially now in summer when it’s really hot outside ! Also , learn more about what micronutrients and vitamins I need every day and how to incorporate them.

Appreciate the foods I eat more . Enjoy treats , and eat mindfully., which means being aware and conscient when having a meal , not being on my phone or watching  a movie while eating.

On the other hand ,I want to get back to my fitness routine . I want to give my body a chance to work properly  . I want to move daily , sometimes just go on a long walk , do strength training  to get stronger , work my core a bit and do cardio from time to time to work my heart and lungs.

Something that basically solve itself in the process is my sleeping routine. That means not going to bed at 1 am every night and sleeping until 10 , but going to bed at 10 or maybe 11 and getting up at 8 or 9 , because it really does make a difference in my day .


I know these things are very basic , but if we can’t even work the basics , then how are we going to work the rest ?

Only a little more than 1 week of school left , a lot of projects and plans and appointments and I’m very excited !

Love , J.


Did you know that only 5% of women have the „ideal body type “ in the US ? What this world is lacking is the celebration and appreciation of diversity . Diversity in every way no matter if race, gender , body type , sexual orientation or religious beliefs.

You don’t need to look a certain way to be beautiful,  you define  beauty for yourself and you don’t owe it to anybody , not even yourself to fulfil any kind of expectation.

But it case you haven’t reached this level of self-admiration yet , here are some cute little reminders !


Are you ever like : „Damn I hate my body“ but then you are like :“ Life is an illusion I’m floating around on a rock in a largely unknown universe where death is inescapable so who gives a shit “ ?


This quote : “ As I began to love myself , I stopped craving for a different life , and I realised that everything that surrounded me , was inviting me to grow “



Admire the beauty of others without questioning your own . Roses are beautiful…



..but so are cats ..


and late night skies , and they all look nothing alike !


There are so many places you haven’t been to yet, to many songs you haven’t hear yet and so many fruits you haven’t tasted like . Why let yourself be defined by something as small as your legs , or your hips or the scars in your face ?



Realistic summer plans


it’s that time of the year that glows of anticipation , school days going by so slow it’s almost impossible  and the sun, of course , shining so hot and so bright that all you want to do is stay inside all day because the second you step outside you are covered in pure heat.

School days going by so slow it’s almost impossible  and the sun, of course , shining so hot and so bright that all you want to do is stay inside all day because the second you step outside you are covered in pure heat.

Currently , I have exactly 2 weeks and 2 days left of school, but who is counting ? The last few days have been nothing but laying in bed , watching Netflix and occasionally leaving the bed for food , the bathroom or a quick workout .

I call it balance you know ? After a few months of putting school first and doing nothing but getting up early and study all day ,I think I get to do this for a few days , do nothing and feel really really lazy. Last year I did it for almost an entire summer , maybe in a little milder form , when I actually wanted to go on an adventure and have a wild and fantastic summer full of incredible memories.

And it didn’t end well. In fact, it ended very disappointingly , as my expectations were rocket high and looking back , almost impossible to achieve. This year , I won’t even start that high , so here is a very achievable yet committed list of things , I will or want to this summer break :

  1. Take care of a dog for a week . Live alone in a house and grow the shit up. Be responsible for another being   , trying not to kill or loose him.
  2. Watch all four seasons of  Orange is the new Black, my latest obsession.
  3. Go to the planetarium .
  4. Go to a vegan meet up .
  5. Buy a shit tonne of cacti and succulents.
  6. DIY the hell out of my old stuff.
  7. Reorganise my school utensils. Buy new folders to be prepared for next year.
  8. Take trips to cities and explore them with friends.
  9. Take pictures of the small things . Make a collection book.
  10. Have a sleepover in a tent in my garden with friends. Go inside if it’s too scary. Feel scared and learn not to be scared.
  11.  Host a barbecue-party with people from school to celebrate my birthday , even if it was in may.
  12. Learn how to mix some really tasty cocktails. With and without alcohol, for the taste, not for the aftermath.
  13. Bleach and dye my hair in a new colour . Even if I don’t like it .
  14. Get books from the library and read them , because I actually got time to read them.
  15. Devote one week to study maths , and prepare.
  16. Get to know someone better I recently met.
  17. Go out for dinner to my favourite restaurant.

Some of them are more probable to be nailed than others , but I might update this and am excited what things I will accomplish.

What do you want to do this summer ?



Introvertism is a strenght?

Hello everybody , yes I am alive .

I feel pretty sad for not putting up any content in the last few weeks , but I’ve been putting school and my grades first (except for my health ofc) for that time .

Today is my last exam and after a very important and successful day yesterday ,suddenly all of the stress is falling off me , leaving me without the energy of adrenaline and fear . So when I woke up feeling exhausted , I decided to give myself a few more hours of sleep and go to school later , to take my exam.

What I want to talk about today is introvertism . If you aren’t familiar with the terms introvertism or extrovertism : Both are terms to categorise your personality. Introverts are usually thinkers , they like to spend time alone and get their energy from spending time with themselves. Extroverts are the opposite , they are talkers and like being in a crowd of people , therefore get energy from spending time with others , in a nutshell.

Everybody is born extrovert and introvert , we all carry extrovert and introvert traits , but it is also common to be dominant in one element . In my case it is introvertism. When I discovered the term, it immediately made sense to me , and over time this hasnÄt changed a bit .

I love spending time alone , it doesn’t mean I feel lonely , it makes me very happy. Even though my mum doesn’t agree with it , my perfect day usually consists of watching movies or videos, reading a good book , getting some school work done such as learning and understanding something new , working out , going for a walk , and maybe talking to a trusty person on the phone .

Now , being an introvert doesn’t mean I naturally hate people , in fact ,I love people , I love to spend some quality time , to go on trips, meet for tea, and have a good talk. But I have come to realise , that when I am forced to spend time with man people for a longer period of time , like on my class trip to Paris , with shared bedrooms and walking in a group of people all day , it absolutely drained the energy out of me .

Another time I’ve experienced the effects introvertism was  in class when we talked about the class test we had written and the teacher asked me for the solution on one aspect and I just didn’t know how to answer properly , due to my weak talking skills. I just work better when I have time to think about my response , that’s why my written grades are usually better than my oral ones.

Sometimes indeed , I feel like being an introvert , or better the lack of extrovert traits is a weakness , outside my room , in school or in public , I often feel overwhelmed by the stimulation of my senses . I like to be prepared , I can’t go anywhere without knowing what , where and how things will develop. Indeed I am not a very spontaneous person , it makes me very stressed to be unaware of what’s going on , I always need to have a plan . But is that purely a weakness?

Well , it depends on the situation. But for most of the time , I see it as a strength rather than a weakness. I can understand when people like to stay distant because being a friend of mine can be very frustrating as I get intimidated very quickly and always ned to know what’s going on. But I’m a great listener , and I pay very close attention to how my friends are feeling and never try to cling myself to them or hurt them through my carefully chosen  words. I find my best friends to be people that are independent and don’t want to spend every single minute with me . I don’t want to get close with people that I do small talk with , I suck at small talk ,and I don’t really see the point in it. The best friends

The best friends I have , when we don’t see each other for a few weeks , it doesn’t matter , because we don’t loose each other . We usually have the perfect balance between talking and listening and things just flow. It doesn’t work out like that with every friend I have, when they get too close , I often get frightened and am distant from them for a while .

So there it is, always two sides to one story. At the end, though  I am usually comfortable to be an introvert , not like I could or want to change anything.

What are things you love about extrovertism or introvertism ? I would love to read your opinion . I hope you have a wonderful day , and if not I hope that everything will turn out okay .

Love , J.