heliophilia : the desire to stay in the sun , the love of sunlight .
Hello everybody ,
do you miss sun as much as I do ? Because there is almost nothing I would love more right now than to breath in the warm summer air and feel the golden sunlight on my skin.
And when I am honest , I have to admit that I am currently in a really dark place . Another depressive episode is making life grey and hard. It feels like it doesn’t even really get light outside anymore , and I hate waking up in the morning with the world being pitch black . Neither do I seem to find comfort in the fact that it gets lighter everyday .
Once again , I feel desperate and lost , as if none of my efforts to lead a happy life will every work out and let me achieve anything . As you see , I just feel sad for literally no reason .
Another thing making life hard for me is my bad body image which is extremely bad these days , yet it was so good a month ago . I have started to count my calories again and it is getting harder again to eat . I feel like starving myself again , because I can’t look at myself and think : wow I am fat .
I know it is probably just my past eating disorder talking but I can’t get to abandon that voice inside my head.
On the other hand I am trying to identify my panic attack triggers . I am in no way diagnosed by a doctor to have a panic disorder but I don’t really care . All I know is that I get them and I just really wish I didn’t . They seem to be connected to stress , to hydration and pressure for me , but also to a few triggers .
One of them is clothes . My hips are my biggest insecurities as they are quite a lot wider than my waist and thighs . Pants are a big issue because hen they are a little too tight I get the feeling of being terribly overweight .
Looking into mirrors is very two sided . I like what I see and I am okay with it , because I look a little toned or slim from an angle , or I see too much fat and feel bad about it .
I am constantly torn between trying to love myself the way I am , working out because I want to be strong , treating myself from time to time and feeling bad , hating my body and everything . I want to like myself . In bad angles , bloated and true . I want to change my expectations and perception of beauty .
As always , there are good days and there are bad days , but I can’t see in which direction forwards or backwards I am moving over time .
Last year around this time I felt the same way , and I made a list . A list about why life will get better . The circumstances were about the same . I will read this list later and hopefully feel a little better .
If you have been in a similar situation , please share your experience and maybe some tips if that is alright with you , because I am pretty lost right now .
Any ways , I hope you feel good and comfortable today and always .
Have a wonderful day