My first semester in review

After spending the afternoon in bed with my cat sipping on hot chocolate while the rain poured down for hours , I found it was time to look back on my first semester on graduating on my German school .

First of all , I am graduating next year , 2017 on a small school . My main classes that I choose were English , French and History ( also German and mathematics) .

Timetable : 

As each and everybody of my class has an entirely different timetable I was quite scared yet exited to receive my own . Turns out , I was quite lucky , and received a timetable with afternoon classes three times a week . This resulted in me being able to be at home two afternoons per school week , which turned out to be a huge relief .

Teachers :

Teachers have been quite interesting, but overall I am okay with the teachers I got . I already know most of them and it has been fun getting to know the newer ones . A negative experienced that has stuck in my mind is though , that some teachers get quite mean and personal when their class tests get a bad average mark . I have been feeling quite offended at times , as they would sometimes say that we wouldn’t work at all for our success , but then we were told to sometimes focus on our main classes when things get rough.

Grades and exams :

Well there have been ups and downs  , but clearly more ups and downs . In our school system you could be can reach 15 points per exam . The average of my grades has been 9.7 which is about the equivalent of a B- . Overall I am content with my grades , it was a ton of work , but in most cases it definitely paid off . At times I have been very scared to have failed an exam but it mostly turned out to have been fine . I only failed one exam , which was chemistry , but I got up to 5 points on my report card , what means I passed .

Have I been jealous ? Incredibly ! It is very hard for me not to get furious and angry when others get better grades than I do , especially when they didn’t work half as hard as I did . But then I know that some people are just naturally talented and some are really working incredibly hard and devoting all their time to it .

Another thing linked to exams has been the stress and the pressure , it has really gotten to me , and I want to deal better with it next year . On the other hand , all this time I have been missing only 4 school days , which in my eyes , is definitely a success !

 

Activities outside school : 

Well , I basically abandoned all my outside activities like ballet and archery and stopped them completely . In grade 9 my grades suddenly dropped quite a lot, from then on , it was all about priorities and for me , school came first . So I started spending more time at home and my grades went up again  – problem solved . And in case you are wondering , yes I miss them sometimes, and I wonder often if it is all worth it , but I guess only time will tell and the way I am going will be able to open a lot of doors . 

Friends :

For this one I can say : I lost some friends , and I gained some friends . I was very scared to loose my best friend but the key was motivation and interest from both sides and nothing changed .

 

So , that is it for today . IF you want , leave me comment how your school life is going , or if you are working or whatever you are doing . Also tips how to survive these last two years are always more than appreciated , much love 

X

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DO I NEED THE INTERNET ?

6:00 am on a school day : my phone buzzes , time to wake up . I give myself ten minutes to check snap chat and  instagram . I also check for new messages on whatsapp .

7:00 am : after breakfast I repeat this , I  will possibly watch a new youtube video to pass the time until I have to leave .

2:00 pm :  I come home from school and while I eat my lunch I watch more youtube videos.

4:00 pm : workout time . After my homework it’s time to do some home workout videos . I usually work out with blogilates or fitnessblender .

5:00 pm : while I pack my bags for tomorrow I listen to music on spotify

7:00 -9:00 : Before I go to sleep I watch series or my favorite movies on netflix while scrolling though my phone .

 

Recently , there have been many types of criticism on social media and the Internet in general in my environment . Starting with Essena O’Neill , continued by my little brother and finally my teachers .

When I got my phone and my laptop first I was 14 years old . It was a dream come true , yes because at that age I saw everybody with a smartphone and I wanted one so bad . I would cry if my parents took it away from me and be devastated . Over time now , I believe I have a pretty healthy relationship with the Internet .

The funny thing is , I see myself in my little brother , who is now 14 and got his first phone just recently . I see him getting obsessed with it , playing games and chatting with people . Maybe it is just because I am older , but to me it appears to be that the younger the generation , the closer linked to the Internet .

When I walk to the bus stop in the morning I will have left my phone at home , because I simply don’t need it at school , it isn’t allowed there anyways. But what I see is 12 year old kids with their heads down staring on their phone screens , not even really seeing the world around them .

For myself , I know I spend a lot of time on the Internet , but I spend it on more useful things than I did a couple of years ago . For me as for everybody it’s easy to loose track of time in the never ending world of videos pictures and opinions . And I get lost in it from time to time , procrastinate and hide in my bed with my laptop on my lap .

I am aware that I waste my time sometimes scrolling endlessly though my Instagram feed, watch videos just to pass the time but in contrast to that , a lot of great things have happened .

  • my English has improved so much and is still improving as I only watch English YouTube and movies
  • I have found a few wonderful friends through social media , who I have knows for a few ages now and I love them so much .
  • Through the Internet I have found veganism and fell in love with food , with animal liberation and with helping to build a better world
  • youtube especially has provided me with wonderful ways to work out and to be motivated happy and grateful
  • I learned so much about feminism and human rights through amazing people

I could go on and on now , but I hope you do see my point . Some paths and functions of the internet don’t meet my ideals and values , but I found mine and I am glad I did .

From time to time , I guess we all need need to remember that real life happens right here , but we can get inspired and learn a lot from the internet , we can build friendships and find hope in dark times .

I hope you have an amazing day

X

 

Paranoia is my second name

It is cold , but not as I dark as I thought . I pull my bag a little tighter as I leave the entrance of the house , might be all of the crystal clear snow lighting up the night . 10:44 . Usually I get home by 10:35 but today it got a little later . 3 minutes , my walk home shouldn’t last more than 3 minutes, so if everything goes right I will be home at 10:47 .

I walk in the middle of the street , this way I have the best chances of running to each side , in case something occurs . The last time I checked my phone had 14 % power , it makes me nervous . I shiver as I see a silver statue and start walking faster . It’s silent . All I hear is the cracking sound of my shoes on the frozen snow underneath my feet .

The street lights spread a silver , almost yellow light . My pulse suddenly jumps when I notice a shadow moving to my right , my right leg makes a quick step forward and my mind is racing . I am ready to run , to fight if I have to . No , no it’s only my shadow . I take a few deep breaths and keep walking .

I have enough of this . I start to fall in a light jog so I reach my house a little sooner , what if I meet someone on my way right now ? Will they think I’m crazy ? …

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Hey guys , just a little something that popped into my mind today

No I am not advanced nor do I have a lot of experience with writing so tips and comments are more than welcome

x

Things I accomplished in 2015

Around this time on a saturday night I usually feel very melancholic and melodramatically listen to music I haven’t heard in a while . Surprisingly  this particular night my mind feels quite clear which I am going to embrace to reflect on the year that has passed.

In general 2015 has been the best year for me yet . I am very proud and happy about the way it had passed and the way I have grown 🙂

So what have I done :

( be aware that those are only the few positive things )

  • finished school with special awarding

I was so happy when I ended year 10 with an awarding , because it felt so great to actually get          some kind of reward for the hard work I had been putting into school , cancelling all of my                  hobbies and free time activities , spending hours and hours sitting on my desk and having                    horrible sleep schedules and fear . 

  • went on a plant based diet and became a vegan

          … starting seeing the world in a different way which basically changed everything . Started to          be the crazy kid with the vegetables and the boring diet and then decided to not give a damn              what my stupid classmates/family members thought about because I know this has a bigger               purpose

  • started doing yoga

          It’s pretty self explanatory but I love it so damn much and it makes me face my fears a lot                    which is absolutely great ( yes right , this girl can now do a headstand yass)

  • went to the irish folk festival in my town

      It’s a small festival in my town with about 500 people in an old empty gym with different bands       from Ireland and it involves traditional Irish food and a lot of old drunk men but a killer                      atmosphere being literally 2 meters away from the bans playing and hella fun . I went there              with my two best friends and we danced all night front row , we had hell of a time 

  • classtrip to Berlin

    pretty safe to say that I completely fell in love with travelling that year. In june I went to Berlin         with my class and beside the heavily boring political meetings , we went to some amazing places     . My favorite three memories are : going on a walk when the sun set with my love , going on a           run like all people in Berlin with my best friend and walking past the art on east side gallery .             Holy shit  , that was magical . 

  • one direction concert in brussels

AKA THE BEST DAMN DAY EVER I AM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING IT WAS F*KIN AMAZING

  • presentation about feminism

In a room full of christian misogynistic men I preached about  feminism and equality and 99 % probably didn’t give a flying heck but I did it and it made me feel good , point .

 

So much to 2015 , let’s see what 2016 has to bring.

Queen of complaining

Hello people !

One of my new years resolutions was to complain less , appreciate more . The bad thing  , I do it so well , I mean complaining . I am constantly torn between whining 24/7 and being appreciative and grateful about every single thing about my life .

But today , screw my new years resolutions for five minutes .

Today in PE class we did the shuttle run . If you aren’t familiar with this technique it’s the pure horror for me . You start by running about 20 meters in 9 seconds , then you hear a beep and you continue to run and run , yet the time to run is decreasing .

I honestly don’t have a clue why , but I totally sucked at this , maybe it was due to my poor skills of conditioning so after about 2 minutes maybe I felt nauseous and dizzy so I had to stop , not wanting to damage myself and not wanting to throw up . And lucky as I am it will get a mark so I can try again next week . What means I feel super super guilty and stressed already .

But the point is , complaining won’t bring me further or make me think more positive about it . The only thing I can do is make a plan to improve my results for next time , So unfortunately I will have to go running for about 15 minutes each day to get a better mark because I want to .

 

So the next time you face a difficulty , get another perspective and stop whining ..

Love , Janina

 

Another step in recovery.

When people are asked about how they would explain getting an eating disorder one of the things they say is control . When everything else is out of control ,  they are in control . They can be in charge of their own bodies , they are the one’s who decide , yet after some time it get’s twisted around again and the disease controls them .

For myself , eating after my disorder was never the biggest problem, it was living with it . I would eat a healthy amount of food each day but the thoughts conspiring in my head were the worst thing . It was hard to handle the actual thought of eating , going back to the  curvy physique I always had and seeing that for everybody else it seemed so easy to eat ,  while I lied awake night after night thinking : should I stop eating tomorrow ?

It has taken me about three years now , to come to the state of mind I have today and I feel better and better . I am grateful for knowing and loving my body . But I am not completely free of my past experiences .

In which ways am I still impacted or influenced ?

  • my relationship with food has been better than ever and I am completely in love with food . Yet I still struggle to eat big amounts of foods with lots of calories / bad sugar and fats , I think a lot about how many calories I had / have left and if I should eat this or that .
  • jealousy and hate occurs from time to time but I got it under control , especially in stressful times I envy people and I compare myself them not only on a physically level
  • I compare myself to pictures of the past, not exactly the ed time but overall and it’s like a cycle of horror , I always like how I look in the past and feel like I have gained a lot of weight , while knowing that the next time I look at pictures of myself right now I will think the same all over again .
  • my pant-phobia is still present , I don’t like wearing tight jeans , and I get panic-attacks when thinking actively about tight cold and black jeans ..
  • loving my curves , my hips especially is a challenge , the fat on my back and thighs and stomach but I am working on it .

Either way , this morning something great happened . I stepped on the scale  , and I had gained about 2 kg / 4 pounds since the last time . And I somehow expected my body to ache and my stomach to feel like I just missed a step of stairs but nothing happened . I was calm .

It’s a really small thing but that made it so special . Now my unconscious mind can go on obsessing about how bad it is that I don’t care about it but that’s alright .

One thing I still have to figure out it how stable I am in my body and mind set . I haven’t relapsed in either self harm or starving myself for 2 years  but I tend to feel like I am just on the edge of not doing it , like yes I am fine but if you pushed me just a little bit I would trip and fall .

Under stress my bad thoughts have been very hard to control that’s what I have to keep in mind , that on a bad day the size of my hips might matter more than on another .

Now my thoughts are free to stress about presentations and the Internet connection and I can be controlled by music in the best ways .

 

I am very happy tonight and very excited what 2016 is going to bring